Uneasy Feelings

Violets in my woods

There are times in my life where I feel low. It almost always happens when I have been at someones house and see the beauty of their home and feel mine is inadequate. My home is old, carpets needing replacing. Light fixtures fixed and actual door knobs put on bedroom doors.

Well it happened again on Friday. We were at the Bridal shower at a very good friends house. Now here is the thing. I have been at her house over 100 times in the last 8 years. I even helped her design and spec the house as it was being build. But this time I was helping to serve at this shower. The envy and guilt I felt while helping out. Going into her huge brand new pantry with shelves bulking with food, all store bought all of the best brands. Her upright freezer filled with foods I could never afford to buy or entertain with. All the pretty dishes, and glasses. Lets just say a house to entertain in, with everything in its place. We didn't have to substitute anything from proper knives to punch bowl. Everything organized and beautiful....right out of a magazine.

Then I came home that night with two tired toddlers, to a house that was cold and damp. Put them to bed and stoked up the cookstove. I just sat down and cried. My kitchen floor has cut marks on it when my now 25 year old tried to cut out skirts with the Olfa cutter but did not put the board underneath. My cupboards were installed 1970 of dark walnut, and missing handles. The cupboards are dark inside ( perhaps good for food storage). The kitchen counter, only 7 years old has a hole in it that is Ducked Taped because the 20 year old had put a hot pot on the counter and burned a hole through it. One side of the kitchen houses Dearest desk ( this computer) with his piles of junk that I am not allowed to touch as it is private information with regards to the congregation. That was just one room in the house. My main function room and it brought me to tears.

My Martha Steward Garden!

Oh I am over it now. Humbled myself and thought of how I can improve with the income I have to make me feel somewhat better. I think I shall declutter and reorganize one of the cupboards today.

But the upside is starting me in the face. My two year old is sat on the kitchen floor today as I write this playing with the dollhouse. Totally unaware of the scraped up floor. It has always been that way to her. Doesn't bother her a bit. She is dry, warm and comfortable, playing with her dream house (dollhouse). The thing is I have 7 smiley faces to look at and my friend with all the bells and whistles has none. I don't think they ever wanted children, but I did, and they are mine forever. My pride and joy. My happiness in life. Forget the things, who needs them. They bring only temporary happiness, then sit in a box until the next time they get used.

We finally had some rain during the night. It is beginning to worry me with how much dryness we have. Easy for turning over the soil, but it is drying out even before planting.

working the land

The rain however was not much. I had Dearest install all the rain barrels under all the eaves the other day. They only have puddles in them this morning. I have been saving laundry rinse water and bath water in buckets outside the kitchen door for the gardens. That just in case factor.

I have begun a new knitting project. I hope to be able to share one of the finished projects by weeks end. I am enjoying this one. Since hockey in on the screen every night it means a lot of me time at night to do what I want. Dearest loves his hockey!