Monday, April 16, 2012

Uneasy Feelings

Violets in my woods
There are times in my life where I feel low. It almost always happens when I have been at someones house and see the beauty of their home and feel mine is inadequate. My home is old, carpets needing replacing. Light fixtures fixed and actual door knobs put on bedroom doors.

Well it happened again on Friday. We were at the Bridal shower at a very good friends house. Now here is the thing. I have been at her house over 100 times in the last 8 years. I even helped her design and spec the house as it was being build. But this time I was helping to serve at this shower. The envy and guilt I felt while helping out. Going into her huge brand new pantry with shelves bulking with food, all store bought all of the best brands. Her upright freezer filled with foods I could never afford to buy or entertain with. All the pretty dishes, and glasses. Lets just say a house to entertain in, with everything in its place. We didn't have to substitute anything from proper knives to punch bowl. Everything organized and beautiful....right out of a magazine.

Then I came home that night with two tired toddlers, to a house that was cold and damp. Put them to bed and stoked up the cookstove. I just sat down and cried. My kitchen floor has cut marks on it when my now 25 year old tried to cut out skirts with the Olfa cutter but did not put the board underneath. My cupboards were installed 1970 of dark walnut, and missing handles. The cupboards are dark inside ( perhaps good for food storage). The kitchen counter, only 7 years old has a hole in it that is Ducked Taped because the 20 year old had put a hot pot on the counter and burned a hole through it. One side of the kitchen houses Dearest desk ( this computer) with his piles of junk that I am not allowed to touch as it is private information with regards to the congregation. That was just one room in the house. My main function room and it brought me to tears.
My Martha Steward Garden!
Oh I am over it now. Humbled myself and thought of how I can improve with the income I have to make me feel somewhat better. I think I shall declutter and reorganize one of the cupboards today.

But the upside is starting me in the face. My two year old is sat on the kitchen floor today as I write this playing with the dollhouse. Totally unaware of the scraped up floor. It has always been that way to her. Doesn't bother her a bit. She is dry, warm and comfortable, playing with her dream house (dollhouse). The thing is I have 7 smiley faces to look at and my friend with all the bells and whistles has none. I don't think they ever wanted children, but I did, and they are mine forever. My pride and joy. My happiness in life. Forget the things, who needs them. They bring only temporary happiness, then sit in a box until the next time they get used.

We finally had some rain during the night. It is beginning to worry me with how much dryness we have. Easy for turning over the soil, but it is drying out even before planting.
working the land
The rain however was not much. I had Dearest install all the rain barrels under all the eaves the other day. They only have puddles in them this morning. I have been saving laundry rinse water and bath water in buckets outside the kitchen door for the gardens. That just in case factor.

I have begun a new knitting project. I hope to be able to share one of the finished projects by weeks end. I am enjoying this one. Since hockey in on the screen every night it means a lot of me time at night to do what I want. Dearest loves his hockey!


Kristina said...

Your house sounds peaceful, lived in, and joyful. It's hard, as I do the same thing, to not covet a nicer everything. You and I would get along in each others houses just fine. I have no hardware on my kitchen cupboards, the old part of the house is drafty, floors sag in a few rooms, and I too wish I had a stand up freezer (or a large one for that matter). I just take one day at a time, and like you, I go declutter or organize something.

Jane and Chris said...

Your house sounds just like mine (except we have duct tape on the floor!!)..A HOME!!
Jane xx

Paula said...

Yep, I know those feelings too. When Colin and I got married, the house hadn't been touched since the 80's and his mom seemed to have a 'make do' approach to decorating. Luckily, Colin was tired of looking at the house too and over the last 8 years we've re-done a lot of things. My new counters last year was such a boost to me.

But you are right, it's the people in the house that matter. But sometimes it's nice to make it pretty too. I'm sure you'll come up with some great ideas to spruce things up.

Karen said...

Oh gosh, it sounds so familiar! I discovered one way to fix those holes in the counter top at my previous house. We went to a shop where they build kitchen cabinets and bought a scrap (about a square foot) of hardwood plywood for about $5. Hubby cut out the damaged piece of counter and put this nice hardwood plywood in it's place. He had to fasten something on the underside of the countertop to hold it in. But we had a nice cutting board set right into the counter after that. My house is hardwood floors throughout but they are a mess. I have a dog who has them scratched up something awful.
Hope you have battened down the hatches, looks like we are in for a good blow tonight. It's like a dust storm around here as the sand and soil blows away.

Janet said...

You took the words right out of my mouth. It is really hard at times.... I went "home" for Easter and listened to my siblings talk about all their numerous fancy trips, beautiful clothes and private schools for their kids... and just couldn't relate and was sooo glad to be back in my own home again.

Windy here today... almost blown off the road driving home. I wish the rain the weatherman promised would come.

Anna said...

As I was reading this I was thinking that your friend's house sounds absolutely beautiful, something you would enjoy looking at, but afraid to touch anything, kind of sad and cold. But yours sounds so full of love, warmth, and wonderful memories that bring smiles to your face as you look at the "dings" that bring those fond memories back. (I now cherish the rabbit gnaw marks on my molding, as he was a wonderful pet that is long gone) I would feel so much more comfortable in your home than your friend's.

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